A few months ago, I was visiting some friends up in Fairfield, CA. While hanging out, Bobbie (a.k.a Barbara) decides to pop in the Blu-ray of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. Admittedly, I've seen a few scenes from the first Twilight movie, and I actually laughed out loud at how moody, brooding and constipated everybody looked at the end credit montage.
I figured I might as well watch the movie while surfing the TMZs and playing with their daughter Taylor, since it's probably more entertaining than sitting in Hwy 80 traffic on Sunday afternoon...
I never read any of the books. All I know about the series is it's about a chick who falls in love with a Vampire and then a dog gets thrown in there to complicate things. To be honest, I can't remember a whole lot of Part 2. Belle is super-duper strong because she gets knocked up by Eddie. Then their kid grows up really fast and all the other good vampires think she's the second coming of Vampire Jesus or something. Then Taylor Lautner takes off his shirt.
That's all fine and dandy. It's the ending of Breaking Dawn Part 2 that bugs. It was like an eleven year-old was making up stuff as he/she went along... kind of like the whole book series. Zing!
But I digress.
So let me break down the ending of this thing--as written by an eleven year-old making it up as he/she went along:
so abercrombie and fitch vampires and the hot topic vampires all meet in the middle of a snow field and no one wears a jacket or sweater because they're all vampires and stuff and because it looks cool and broody and constipated but the hot topic vampires wear long black coats and pirate shirts because its cool and broody and constipated looking and then they say a bunch of stuff and look all broody and constipated and then zooey deschanel goes up to the guy who plays the octopus guy in pirates of the caribbean (totally rad movie, btw) and then they put shirley temple onto the back of scooby doo and send him off while everyone starts fighting and throwing people and chopping off heads (just roll iphone video of a round of mortal kombat--it's the same thing) and then they send one black guy (because he's fast and he's black) to chase after shirley temple and scooby doo because even though hot topic outnumbers abercrombie and fitch 3 to 1 they only send one guy (because he's black) and then shirley and scooby lose black guy and he dies and then they fight some more and fly and slide all over the place and stuff and then a lava flow opens underneath the ice field and people fall in and stuff and more vampire dies and then belle gets all mad and stuff when eddie gets killed by octopus guy and she goes batshit crazy and kills octopus guy and then it was all a dream then pocahantas and boyfriend, who's not that white guy from the disney cartoon (they had a falling out and found a new guy), show up and then octopus guy goes "oh, shit... we cool. my bad..." and everyone takes their ball and goes home and then 10 minutes later scooby doo gets down with shirley temple because she's no longer jail bait and then lets show everyone who had 2 lines in the whole movie series, in a 15-minute ending credit, brooding and constipated while the paramore song plays
the end.
I should be a Hollywood screenwriter...